Prologue, Please Rate This! « Thread Started on Aug 1, 2007, 4:05pm »
Prologue: A Time of Darkness. A Time of Hope.
Baaznar Stoneblade collapsed on a grim-covered boulder. With a deep, raspy sigh, he flexed his shoulders and stretched his legs to ease his cramped muscles. “I shouldn’t have volunteered to lead this blasted trip.” Baaz grumbled in his same old rough baritone. The old Dronaak warrior cradled his head in his hands, gazing down at the dirt in between his thick legs. His old bones just weren’t what they once were. Baaznar, or Baaz, as he preferred to be called, had volunteered to lead the Dronaak warriors on an expedition to Adonnas, the Rylas Knight’s capital city, to lay siege. The Dronaaks had thundered through the continent, capturing Valling, Farthorn, Mantilen, and Starvalin, all major, prosperous cities, most of which were lead by the Rylas Knights. Of course, the Dronaaks had had to fight to gain the territory, but they didn’t mind. Dronaaks were born for battle, and any chance to cause bloodshed was a chance they would gladly take. With almost every major city in their control, the Dronaaks had finally decided it time to take over the Knights of Rylas’ capital as well. Whatever the lead Dronaaks decided to do with the poor knights once they were wiped out, whether it be enslaving the lot of them, slaughtering them all, or torturing them, Baaz didn’t care. He only volunteered for the plunder. Money was beginning to be a problem for Baaz. Dronaaks were most definitely not human. Most stood about 7 feet tall, and were far more sturdy and strong than any average male human. Two yellowish, twisted horns protruded from the tops of their heads, and each finger was tipped with a deadly knifelike talon. Dronaaks had the terrible, demonic face of an ogre. Their dirty mouths were always twisted in a fiendish snarl. Baaz was no exception. A foul odor stuck to his body, and a long, jagged tooth stuck out from beneath his lower lip. “These old bones just don’t work like they used to.” Baaz grunted. “I used to give those idiot humans a good old scare just by rattling my sword at them, but now I’d probably only scare a little child.” “Stop talkin’ ‘bout the good ‘ol days and get yer mind focused on battle, ye ‘ol coot.” Snarled a familiar voice from Baaz’s left. Baaz glanced up, about to give the impotent youth a piece of his mind, when his face suddenly beamed in recognition. “Naar! You beastly wretch!” He shouted, standing up and clasping his fellow’s hand warmly. “How are things comin’ along Baaz?” Riznaar Darkhide asked. The younger Dronaak stood about a full head taller than his elder friend. Riznaar was thin, but buff, and wore a full plate of black armor, same as the other warriors who had volunteered for the battle. “Everything’s going well. I thought we’d never make it through the mountain pass, with all of our supply wagons and such, and I had begun to have second thoughts about leading our company through the Cutlass Swamp, but here we are, only a few miles from Adonnas!” Baaz exclaimed, thumping his chest with a burly fist. “I dunno ‘bout you, but I’m ready for some battle!” Naar roared, drawing his sword from its scabbard clumsily. “Put your weapon away, friend. We’ve got quite a ways to go before we reach the capital.” Baaz said as he flicked away Naar’s sword tip, which had come dangerously close to pricking Baaz’s throat. “Then you can have some fun. Me, I’m only here for the plunder afterwards.” “Sure thing General.” Naar put away his weapon just as clumsily as he had drawn it. The younger Dronaak seemed to be enjoying the expedition immensely, far surpassing Baaz’s own zeal. “I’m only ‘ere for the plunder, too. Just imagine how many women there’ll be after we take over that stupid city.” Dronaaks were hardly ever married. They enjoyed whatever woman they were near, and most of their females were used only for either the male’s enjoyment, or worked as slaves. They had yet to abolish those few customs, and males were considered far more superior in their mind’s eye. “Go rouse the rest of the company, Naar; breaks over.” Baaz commanded, standing up slowly and regretfully from his grim-covered boulder. “Yes sir.” Naar took off, drawing his sword and waving it around wildly as he did so. Soon every Dronaak warrior had risen from either laying about in the moonlight or relaxing lazily against a tree or boulder. And with their short break ended, the Dronaak army marched onward, unnoticed, toward the capital city of Adonnas.
*
During the late night, in the city of Adonnas, one heavily cloaked figure slipped past two sleeping guards. Only magic could have caused the guards to sleep so deeply. The figure pushed open a dreadfully heavy metal door, which had supposedly been locked only moments before. The door opened into a dark one roomed chamber, the ceremonial chamber. On a large table, in the back of the room, shining brilliantly in the moonlight was a beautiful amulet, made of pure silver. A blue gemstone was embedded in its center. On the face of the amulet was a carving of twin swords, crossed over each other to form an “X” shape; the symbol of the Rylas Knights. The figure silently crept toward the table, robes making only a soft “swish, swish” sound as they hit the marble floor, rolling up his sleeves as he did so. Soon the cloaked person loomed above the amulet. He muttered a slow, melodic incantation, and, briefly, the amulet gave off a thick, blackish glow; a sign that powerful dark magic was at work. Then the figure turned away, and as soon as he had appeared, he disappeared.
*
Lord Galvarth Valor dipped his quill in the bottle once more, wetting it with black ink. The Rylas Knight’s general returned to his writing, concentration showing plainly upon his features. He appeared to be in a rush, and fear was etched upon his face; fear unlike he had ever felt before. This letter was urgent. The letter read:
Sirs Ingus and Atticus Sharpsword,
As you may already know, the Dronaak army has been spotted, hardly a speck upon the horizon line. My troops are already prepared for what is yet to come. I am afraid this battle will be a bloody one. Our women and children have been safely transported underground, in the escape tunnels, where they will be out of harms way. My archers line the walls, bows notched with arrows. The Knights of Rylas stand in formation, and are currently marching away from the city walls, to keep the Dronaaks from entering our beloved city. I write this letter in great haste. Both of you will not be fighting this battle. I know that at this moment you are probably already preparing for battle, but I deliver to you this message, which is direly important. Arm yourselves and come to my palace immediately; I am in need of you both. I will send two messengers to Newport, asking for their aide in this battle. I am afraid that we are terribly outnumbered, and will surely be slaughtered without aide. Newport’s warriors are fair, and numerous. They will surely help us in our time of need. I need you both to be my messengers. I cannot send only one of you; it is too perilous a mission. You must send my regards to Commander Bradford Longing in Newport. Meet me in the ceremonial chambers. I believe that without proper proof, the Commander will think you imposters; not even from Adonnas. That is why I shall bestow upon one of you our emblem, the twin swords, in the form of an amulet. I am sure that that would convince them of the truth. Please, make haste. I am sorry if this letter is terribly sloppy.
Sincerely, Lord Galvarth Valor
May your hope, faith, and honor be with you always.
Lord Galvarth Valor, with one last sigh, slid the letter into a scroll, and stamped upon it his emblem, the twin swords.
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #1 on Aug 2, 2007, 1:58pm »
Very very good. I am not very good at rating stories for I'm not picky on them, just wanted to make that clear.
It is very good, great detail, and great ideas are going into it. I'm not sure exactly what I would rate it, being only the first chapter in all I don't have a lot of expectations in the first chapter, but I like how you go from the Dronaaks to the humans in the city, the best books I've read has those kind of things in it.
We all want one certain word to come true but that word is not easy to come by. Victory has many meanings, but all are harder then they seem to become real.
We all try hard to give our lives meaning. We strive to win, but it hardly ever works out.
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #2 on Aug 2, 2007, 3:27pm »
I commend you for this. 8.4/10 The real problem is something that you must do in any good book. Blow the door open for reader to be entranced. I'll base my review on some of that. "A Series of Unfortunate Events" blows it open right away. Right away, the parents of the main characters are dead. "Redwall" has a different opening. You are entranced by poetic writing, then in chapter two, blown open. You blew it open with a catastrophe. Why not be like Redwall and save the evil for a later chapter? You have talent with detail, use it to indroduce your fantasy to the reader. Then let the reader prepare for evil-doing. Simple. Light the fuse, then let the story explode! If you're setting up for a series, wait untill the end of the book to do this. The reader would be wanting to read Book 2.
Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #3 on Aug 2, 2007, 7:31pm »
The only reason why I introduced the bad guys first is because I wanted the readers to see them marching into Adonnas. The next chapter will start with the heroes, Ingus and Atticus, after they recieved their letter. Then the adventure really begins. It was the prolouge, not the first chapter, so the bad guys weren't "Officially" Introduced first. Is that a good enough reason? I just wanted to set everything up in the prolouge, from both perspectives.
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #4 on Aug 2, 2007, 8:22pm »
*claps* Well, then Chap 1 blows it open more. You got something... no real problem with your explaination. What could possibly make it better is if... the two heroes have strong pent-up emotion about the attacks. All they knew, gone... and then, fuled by revenge and their own strength and power... defeats the bad guys. Your story is ready, then. A sequel doesn't sound like a bad idea... If you got that covered, you don't need rates. Just write...
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #6 on Aug 3, 2007, 12:01pm »
^_^ That sounds good in all, but on thing, unlike me, I know some friends, mainly my two best friends who NEVER read the Prologue, and there might be others who don't either, so if you introduce them here, you have to explain them again later on or people like my friends, would not now what they look like or what they were giving them a more confusing perspective.
We all want one certain word to come true but that word is not easy to come by. Victory has many meanings, but all are harder then they seem to become real.
We all try hard to give our lives meaning. We strive to win, but it hardly ever works out.
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #7 on Aug 3, 2007, 3:00pm »
Yes. Blowing it open is great. And fun! Like I put a nice cool poetic prophcey in the prolouge... then in the next chapter... the main character's whole world comes crashing down. Just don't be too hasty. Let your reader care about your character first.
Skiping the prolouge? You must talk sense into your friends...
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #8 on Aug 3, 2007, 3:50pm »
Quote:
Skiping the prolouge? You must talk sense into your friends...
One of my friends named Cat((nickname, not real name)) says she never reads the prologue because she is afraid it'll give away important parts of the book. She skipped over prologues in books like Eragon and the three Warriors books she read, but I love reading them. They give you background info.
We all want one certain word to come true but that word is not easy to come by. Victory has many meanings, but all are harder then they seem to become real.
We all try hard to give our lives meaning. We strive to win, but it hardly ever works out.
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #9 on Aug 4, 2007, 10:45am »
I don't see the point in skipping Eragon's prolouge... it's a vital part of the story.
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #10 on Aug 4, 2007, 1:56pm »
I know, I read it quickly so I didn't quite understand it much, but when I went to see the movie with a friend, at the beginning I whispered to her, "that was the prologue" because it was when Durza was chasing Ayra.
We all want one certain word to come true but that word is not easy to come by. Victory has many meanings, but all are harder then they seem to become real.
We all try hard to give our lives meaning. We strive to win, but it hardly ever works out.
Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #11 on Aug 4, 2007, 7:45pm »
Yeah, seriously, who skips the prolouge? lol
It had been a LONG time since I'd read Eragon when the movie came out. At the start, I leaned over and whispered to my brother, "That part wasn't in the movie." It was because I'd forgotten all about the Prolouge.lol. Oops.
Yeah, I think reading the Prolouge is only normal. Usually prolouges set you up for the entire story or give away most background information and such.
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Re: Prologue, Please Rate This! « Reply #12 on Aug 6, 2007, 10:10am »
Quote:
That part wasn't in the movie.
I think you mean, that wasn't part of the book? ~_^
Anyway, yeah, it does give you a lot of info you might need, or give you fun info you might want to know.
One of my friends skip it because it gives TO much away as said, the onther skips itbecause it makes the book have more to read, she doesn'tlike reading all that much.
« Last Edit: Aug 6, 2007, 10:10am by Water Writer »
We all want one certain word to come true but that word is not easy to come by. Victory has many meanings, but all are harder then they seem to become real.
We all try hard to give our lives meaning. We strive to win, but it hardly ever works out.
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Like I put a nice cool poetic prophcey in the prolouge... then in the next chapter... the main character's whole world comes crashing down. Just don't be too hasty. Let your reader care about your character first.